Separation Anxiety in Preschool

Do you dread the first day of school? Teachers often have “schoolmares” – or nightmares about the first day of school, long before it ever arrives.

Along with the unknown comes fear, it’s only natural. Each new school year brings many unknowns to preschool and kindergarten teachers when it comes to challenging behaviors. We never know what new challenges await us each year, it’s always a surprise.

One of the biggest challenge any early childhood teacher faces on the first day of school is separation anxiety. In this post we will look at ways to help teachers and children cope with separation anxiety.

How to Handle Separation Anxiety in the Classroom

Challenging Behaviors Book Study

Welcome to the challenging behaviors book study. For those of you just joining us, the details about the book study can be found here.

Looking for solutions to challenging behavior problems in your early childhood classroom? You’re in the right place! We invite you to join the Challenging Behaviors book study! This virtual discussion will always be available to you.

I suggest following the book study guide Karen at Prekinders has put together that includes all of our book studies and has links to each discussion.

Addressing Challenging Behaviors in Early Childhood

Addressing Challenging Behaviors in Early Childhood Settings

The book Addressing Challenging Behaviors in Early Childhood Settings: A Teacher’s Guide by Denno, Carr, and Bell was used as a resource for this post. This book is a comprehensive toolkit for teachers of young children that is well organized and includes a CD full of helpful, printable resources.

What is Separation Anxiety?

Teachers aren’t the only ones who fear the first day of school. Young children can also become very fearful of being in a new environment. When separated from their families for perhaps the first time, young children may become very fearful and anxious. This fear of being apart from family or a specific caregiver is called separation anxiety.

Types of Separation Anxiety


Each child is unique and will experience separation anxiety in his or her own way. Some children may experience extreme physiological responses to being separated from caregivers including rapid heart rate and increased levels of stress hormones.

Three different types of responses to separation anxiety have been identified; they are active, quiet, and aggressive. I know which one you’re hoping to get in your classroom! It’s no surprise that the types of responses children exhibited were directly related to the behavior of the caregiver.

Those parents or caregivers who stayed in the classroom for a few minutes, talked to the teacher, and talked positively about school had children who were active and responded well to being separated.

Children whose parents were less socially active and dropped them off quickly were more withdrawn and less likely to interact with their peers.

Those parents who were the most fearful and exhibited their apprehension through body language and words were more likely to have children who reacted to separation with extreme emotional outbursts- or tantrums.

How to Ease Separation Anxiety on the First Day of School

What to Do About Separation Anxiety in the Classroom

1. Guide Parent Behavior
2. Create a Visual Daily Schedule
3. Create a Calm and Caring Classroom Environment

Guide Parent Behavior
One thing I do to help guide parent behavior is to teach parents how to talk to their children about the first day of school BEFORE the first day of school. I usually do this at our Parent Orientation event.

Some parents may not have had positive experiences with school and are inadvertently passing along those negative feelings and emotions to their children. I provide examples of positive phrases parents can say to their children to help prepare them for the first day of school.

Create a Visual Daily Schedule
The authors discuss how some children, especially those children living in extreme poverty, may have inconsistent home lives. This inconsistency often contributes to feelings of uncertainty, fear, and stress in children.

All young children crave consistency and routine, having a visual daily schedule will help all students feel safe and secure in their new classroom environment.

When children are experiencing separation anxiety I gently guide them to our visual picture schedule and ask them to help me identify where we are in our daily routine. Then, we count the number of pictures left until the final picture, which signals the end of the day.

Create a Calm and Caring Classroom Environment
Starting your day with routines and rituals will go a long way to help kids feel safe and secure in the classroom and ease separation anxiety. In the book Addressing Challenging Behaviors in Early Childhood Settings: A Teacher’s Guide the authors talk about the importance of children learning to love school and their teachers.

Some of the ways I have created successful routines and rituals is to greet the children at the door each day. A friendly smile, a hug, or a high-five will go a long way in getting the day off to a great start. Once they enter the classroom, the children put away their belongings, then locate their name card on a table and place it in a pocket chart. Once we are all together we sing a welcome song- my favorite is Welcome to School by Dr. Jean.

Just as important as the beginning of the day is the end of the day- children need closure too. We gather together in a large group and sing a good-bye song as we move our clip down on our visual picture schedule to indicate the end of another successful day. One of my favorite good-bye songs is See Ya Later Alligator, also by Dr. Jean.

What to Do if Kids Cry on the First Day of School

  • Never bribe or negotiate a “deal” (if you stop crying I’ll give you this…)
  • Never send them home- this sends the message that they can get their own way if they throw a tantrum
  • Speak positively and cheerfully
  • Stay calm
  • If other children complain about noisy crying say, “Yes, Jimmy is crying because he misses his mom. He needs some time to learn how school works. Let’s show him how much fun ____ is and maybe he will join us.” Then move along to your next activity.
  • Acknowledge the child’s feelings (I know you miss your mom, you’ll see her soon.)
  • Invite the child to join in activities but don’t force them to participate if they are overly distraught.

More Preschool Behavior Resources

Classroom Rules and Expectations for Preschoolers
Safe Center
how to get kids to stop tattling
Lining Up Tips
Clean Up Tips
Time Out
Preschool Nap Time
Rewards in the Classroom

24 thoughts on “Separation Anxiety in Preschool”

  1. If a parent needs to stay with their child for the first day of school we ask them to be as interesting as “paint drying”. I once had a parent put on bright pink lipstick and kiss a post-it note. Her daughter would pull the kiss out of her pocket and give it a kiss or rub it on her cheek.

    I’ve also found posting photos of our schedule/day help provide comfort for the anxious kiddo as they like to know what’s happening next.

  2. I’ve found that having a picture of the child’s family that the child can have in hand (while they’re playing, eating, at nap, anytime) is really comforting. I display the pictures in a way that children have easy access to them all day long.

    1. Melinda Carlson

      This is a great idea! I have hooks for each child’s bag, coat etc. that has their printed name above it. As beginning readers they sometimes have difficulty identifying their spot. I think I will add a picture of them and their family. This will definantly help them!

  3. Melinda Carlson

    I love this post. Recently I had a child begin at my preschool. She had a very bad experience at her previous preschool and for three months she had seperation anxiety. During her first week mom felt guilty and would pick her up early. Nana felt worse and would come and sit with her. Their actions only made the situation worse. I explained that I always had an open door policy but that for the child’s sake we should make a schedule and stick to it. No matter what. It took about a month to settle into the routine and schedule and after three months she still ask if her mom will come back but there isn’t panic in her voice. As teachers/ caregivers we need to work with families during transitions. Seperation can be equally upsetting to parents. I have occasionally worked with the parents to stay with their child for an hour or so for play and snack then staying through lunch and then visit at nap time, etc. This works in most cases. I feel that in any situation we should be compassionate but strong.

    1. I am so glad to see your post. Educating parents about how they can help their little one with the ‘new school experience’ has been so helpful to all involved in welcoming a new student.

  4. This is such an important topic for all of us early childhood teachers! I’ve found comforting the child, offering an engaging activity, and remaining nearby usually helps children suffering from this anxiety. At our preschool orientation before school, parents bring the kiddos in to meet the teachers and see the classroom. I take a picture of the families together and make sure those pictures are up in the classroom on the first day of school. I’ve found this helps too!

  5. I am not a teacher, but a mom of a 3yo. He went to daycare before for 7 months, and cried every time I dropped him off. The first days he didn’t cry, were the last week he was there. I lost my job and have been home with him for the last 6 months. He has started going to preschool 2 mornings a week, and the anxiety for him seems worse, he climbs on me and balls every time I drop him off and he won’t eat lunch while he’s there. I always stay for a few minutes and interact with him, the teachers and the other kids to try and get him interested in something there. Few times he hasn’t done this when I take him have been “water day” and a day when he had new shoes that lit up to show off. He even starts to cry most of the time when we mention school. Any further suggestions?

    1. There was an excellent suggestion made on the Facebook thread for children with this issue. If there is a well-established routine in place when the child enters the classroom that will immediately engage him and take his mind off the separation it seems to work. One teacher suggested having students that were fearful come in and wash their hands. The act of scrubbing the hands with soap and rinsing with water while singing the ABC song was enough to ease the anxiety and allow the child to enter the classroom calmly. I personally greet the children at the door of the classroom and allow them to choose their greeting, such as a high-five, hug, or handshake. This is a Conscious Discipline strategy. Then, the students go off to put away their belongings and search for their name card and place it in the pocket chart. This consistent routine really helps with separation anxiety. Another conscious Discipline technique I used with great success was similar to the hand washing ritual. Instead, I had children who needed extra help separating use “calm down lotion” It was a bottle of cheap hand lotion. They took one squirt in their hand and the act of rubbing the lotion on their hands was enough to engage them and help them transition into the classroom routine. Some children need more scaffolding and support entering the room in the morning. Just having a bunch of toys out to play with can be too much for the child because he has to separate, then figure out how to enter play with another child or group of children. That’s too much for a young child to handle so having these specific routines and rituals in place is extremely helpful. Please feel free to pass a link to this page along to your child’s teacher.

  6. My main question is, what to say/do when the parents just won’t leave?

    Or the ones who watch through the window and see their child having a hard time and come back?
    Or they watch (usually trying to hide) and the child knows mom and dad is still there and continues to be upset?

    I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but how do I get parents to leave so that I can use some of these techniques? The kids can’t focus on me knowing their parents are still there, and it distracts the other children as well.

    Also what kind of statements do you recommend parents use with their children?

    1. Hi Cara, There needs to be a specific policy in place prior to the first day of school and this policy needs to be clearly communicated with the parents. This is why I insist on a Parent Orientation before the first day of school so we can all start on the same page. I make the separation anxiety policy very clear to the parents during this meeting. For statements, I role play in front of the parents and give them the words to use with their child when talking about the first day of school. For example, “The first day of school is coming soon. I remember when I was little going to school for the first time. I loved meeting new friends and playing with new toys.” etc. Some parents will only focus on the negative and give all sorts of warnings and rules like “You have to be a good boy/girl and don’t shout or push. Don’t forget to wash your hands etc.” They make it all about commands and rules instead of a real discussion about what to expect and how to feel. When they take the focus off the command statements and switch to a conversational tone it will help make the transition easier.

  7. I have been teaching Kindergarten for 8 years and have had MANY children with separation anxiety and many parents who have done nothing but made it worse.

    In my school we do something called staggered entry for the first couple days of school – basically the children only come for one, one hour session to ease into coming to school. On that day I am pretty open and flexible with parents being there. We don’t really start our routines yet because it is such a short time, so it isn’t too disruptive to have the parents there. I explain VERY CLEARLY to the parents what will happen on the first actual morning – the 3rd day of school, when we have our first full morning with regular hours – we gather in the gym first (myself, the other 2 K teachers and all the kids and families), we read off the class lists (we don’t assign children to classes until we have met them all during staggered entry), parents can walk with us to the classroom door, and then it is time to say goodbye. I make it very clear that even though there may be tears, it will be a much easier adjustment in the long run if they go. I have had a few parents put up a bit of a fuss, but I stand my ground and ultimately my students adjust extremely quickly.

  8. I did something last year that worked extremely well. Most of my students have never been away from their parents before for daycare or any other type of classroom setting, so I typically have a LOT of unhappy little people the first day and usually several days after that.

    I always read books about school to the students the first week and one is a scripted social story found online. Last year I printed it, made copies, and gave a copy to all the students who attended Meet the Teacher the Friday before school started. I asked the parents to read the story to their children several times over the weekend. On Monday, the first book I read to the class was that book. Many of the children recognized it from their homes and it really helped them to bridge the gap between home and school. I believe that it gave them a way to see the teachers at school as trusted adults since we were reading the same story that their parents read at home. We read the book at least once a day and I made several copies to place in centers for students to read throughout the school year. I also placed a copy of the story in our Safe Place (part of Conscious Discipline).

    Here is a link to the site where you can find the story, which is called “I Go to Preschool.” There are plenty of other great social stories here as well. My district created a Spanish version of the story which is what I use with my bilingual class. The stories are in PowerPoint so you can edit them to fit your class’ needs by changing the wording, language, or pictures.

    http://challengingbehavior.fmhi.usf.edu/do/resources/teaching_tools/ttyc_toc.htm

    1. I love the scripted story! I downloaded it already! I will hand out copies at orientation. I love the idea of reading a familiar story that they’ve heard at home. Thanks for the suggestion!

  9. I loved reading everyone’s ideas on how to handle separation anxiety. Thanks for all the ideas.

  10. I was thinking about teaching the meaning of the word respect to my preschoolers. I found the Respect Song by Havefunteaching on Pintarest. I am going to make that part of my initial behavior/expectation lessons. It mentions respecting themselves, others and the school.

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  12. Thank you for the article. My children, almost 4, have separation anxiety, but it shows up differently than you described. They were in a preschool setting for a year, and every day they would beg not to go. While they were there, they were reportedly happy, but upon separating and reuniting would reiterate how much they didn’t want to be there, and asked if they could avoid coming the next week. They act much the same way with any activity that requires separation from mom- swimming lessons, church, etc. so I know its not just the school. Any ideas on how to respond so they will enjoy their time away and know they are loved when they return?

  13. Carolyn Conant-Hiley

    These ideas are great because I am I first time Pre-K 3 teacher. It is important to stay positive and to acknowledge the validity of missing mom while still offering the child the strength to forge forward on their own.

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